Google tries to be cool and mock Apple (and ends up looking pathetic)

It’s hard when you feel hurt.

You want to tell everyone. You want everyone to be sympathetic. You also want the source of your hurt to apologize and set things right.

Sadly, this doesn’t happen all that often, so you’re left to whine about how hurt you feel.

Yes, we’ve all been there. We haven’t all, though, resorted to whining once we’ve become multi-billionaires.

Yet here we have Google, a company that’s bathed in money for the last decade or two — and not always in the most humane ways — suddenly insisting that, oh, how could the world be so beastly?

What could possibly have caused Google to weep so? Well, welcome again, as we return to the subject of Apple and RCS.

Should you have chosen to bury yourself beneath several feet of sand lately — and who could blame you? — you may not know that Google desperately wants Apple to adopt the RCS messaging protocol on iMessage so that Android users don’t feel so pained by their texts appearing in green.

And so that they can have the same features as iPhone users because we’re one big, happy family.

Google’s latest attempt at, I don’t know, shaming, guilting, screeching or just moderately ululating into the ether was inspired by a new Drake song called “Texts Go Green”.

The official Android account leapt to Twitter to offer what it called an unofficial lyric explainer.

Please let me quote you the first line — of Google’s video, that is: “The Android team thinks Drake’s new song ‘Texts Go Green’ is a real banger.”

A real banger?

The song seems to be about a man who claims he’s so over his last lover. He’s (perhaps) arrogantly confident that said lover continues to think about him. And the texts going green make him feel better.

These are some sample lyrics: “Been dealing with me rough. You’re dealing with me rough. You’re dealing with me rough. You’re dealing with me rough.”

This, it appears, is how Google feels Apple is treating it.

So the Android Twitterized ditty continues on the subject of texts going green: “It refers to the phenomenon when an iPhone user gets blocked. Or tries to text someone who doesn’t have an iPhone. Either way, it’s pretty rough.”

Well, if you’re getting blocked, it’s supposed to be a message, isn’t it? A rough message, roughly consisting of: “Please go away, you awful person.”

In any case, iPhone users need to feel superior to keep buying iPhones. Their blue makes them feel regal when compared to the Android green. What doesn’t Google get about this?

But no, despite several attempts at launching its own messaging products, Google now wants Apple to do something about its own.

Would you believe the Android Twittered video continues: “If only some super talented engineering team at Apple would fix this.”

Come now, Google. You’re drifting along the sympathy spectrum from whiny to pathetic.

Trying to make Apple feel guilty is like trying to make British Prime Minister Boris Johnson admit to the truth. There’s really no point.

Anyway, even if Apple adopted RCS, wouldn’t the Android texts still be green?

The shame would just live on.