Samsung says iPhone users are painfully myopic and unimaginative

It’s over.

The iPhone 14 has emerged and you can finally look forward to ordering an iPhone in a new color.

Or, as Steve Jobs’ daughter Eve seemed to suggest, not ordering an iPhone at all.

Samsung, though, still can’t cope with the idea that you’re a such a myopic, unimaginative Apple cult member that you’ll simply buy the iPhone 14 because that’s what you always do.

So it’s spent a large sum of money to explain to you just how much of a myopic, unimaginative Apple cult member you are. In the hope that you’ll fall in love with Samsung, you understand.

To coincide with Tim Cook’s little theater show, Samsung released an ad that depicts a committed iPhone user suddenly being challenged about her committed iPhone use.

It all begins with a relaxed young woman saying to her friend: “Seen my new phone yet? It literally folds in half. It’s actually pretty cool. Look!”

This causes our Apple cult member to feel a little dizzy. What is this strange object she’s being shown, an object you can place on a bench in order to take a selfie? (It’s a Galaxy Z Flip 4, but you already knew that.)

Review: The Galaxy Z Flip 4 solves these two big problems for me

Our cultist catches herself. She insists: “I would never switch to Samsung. I love my phone.” (The last two words are enunciated so it almost sounds like ‘iPhone’.)

This response causes her friend great confusion. It also causes our cultist to be haunted in every corner of her life.

She begins to see how many perfectly useful objects in her life actually fold. A book, for example. Or a bus seat. Or a fridge door. Or even a human body doing yoga.

Life, it seems, is all about folding.

But can our cult member fold and admit that she would love to embrace the Z Flip 4? Everywhere she goes, the specter unfolds. Everywhere she goes, she hears her friend’s words. Sample: “It’s actually pretty cool.”

Every young person wants to be pretty and cool. The two together would be quite something.

Finally, our tortured protagonist resorts to a Solomon-like attempt at compromise — she tries to forcibly fold her iPhone in two.

I won’t tell you how it ends, because I think you already know.

Just as you know that Samsung is understandably desperate to divert any attention toward itself in the midst of this Apple barrage.

This ad is winningly executed. The angst of the cult member is touchingly portrayed. Why should anyone live through such a nightmare?

Well, where would you like me to start?