Some people aren’t happy about Apple’s new security features—the wrong people

A blockbuster announcement from Apple this week as the company says that next year it will offer the ability to fully encrypt iCloud backups of iOS devices, meaning that even Apple would not be able to unlock it when subpoenaed by law enforcement.

Previously the only way to generate an encrypted backup of an iPhone that Apple couldn’t unlock was to do it to a Mac.

Like an animal.

It’s true, all the animals in the Macalope’s woodland realm are constantly asking to borrow his Mac to back up their iPhones. The Macalope always tells them, if you’d stop breaking into Farmer Maggot’s garden and stealing his cabbages and then taking selfies of yourself in the act you wouldn’t need to have encrypted backups!

But it’s not just cabbage pilferers, carrot kleptomaniacs, and lettuce lifters that need encryption. Everyone needs encryption and iCloud backups were always the weak link in Apple’s advantage in data protection. Your smartphone has become a veritable codebook for your life. It tracks your location, your credit card and banking information, and your personal health, and it has those pictures you took.

You know the ones.

No one should have access to that but you. Frankly, no one wants those pictures. Admit it, Karl. Your OnlyFans is a failure. Time to go back to chartered accountancy.

For its part, the FBI, which previously has asked Apple to build a back door directly into iOS so the feds can simply unlock iPhones by typing in a master key, preferably something easy to remember like “password” or “0000” or “jedgarrulz”, said this week of Apple’s move to fully encrypt backups:

This hinders our ability to protect the American people from criminal acts ranging from cyber-attacks and violence against children to drug trafficking, organized crime and terrorism…

Presumably also on the list are puppy-kicking, faving Elon Musk’s increasingly unhinged tweets, and doing commercials for cryptocurrency.

People who give a crap about privacy, however, such as the EFF and the president of Signal, were thrilled by the move.

Look, if there’s one thing everyone in this country can agree that we’re afraid of its unchecked power in the hands of whichever political party we hate being used against us.

And silverfish. Okay, two things. We’re all also afraid of silverfish. Particularly after that incident in the attic. Eeesh.

While the silverfish is more a “crawling into your ears” or “accidentally falling into a large cardboard box full to the brim with them” kind of fear, the political fear is that our mere thoughts and beliefs could be used against us and we would be sent to some kind of hydro-powered gulag with an electrified floor like the one on Narkina 5.

No, you’ve been rewatching “Andor” again and again. (If you have, please join the Macalope’s discussion group.)

If there’s something we can agree on that’s good, then the Macalope thinks we should probably do that thing.

The Macalope is sure that some will argue that Apple is only doing this to sell iPhones. Even if that’s true, so what? Sure, it would be best if Apple believed in personal data security as well, but even if it just practices it, that makes its products better. Who wouldn’t want that?

Android-stans, I guess. But the Macalope means other than them.