The iPhone 14 will either be a spectacular success or stunning failure

Hold on to your hats, butts and whatever else you hold dear as more rumors of expected iPhone 14 production levels are coming in.

People who follow these rumors with bated breath… seriously need to rethink their priorities.

It’s not healthy, Megan! Also, subsisting on a diet of mostly Funyuns isn’t healthy either. We talked about this. Just because you keep saying the entire bottom level of the Food Pyramid is Funyuns doesn’t make it true. Also, no one uses the Food Pyramid anymore.

Huh. If the entire bottom level was Funyuns, that would explain why no one uses it anymore. Could Megan be right?

Anyway, it was just over a month ago that DigiTimes was reporting a 10 percent “cut” in iPhone 14 orders. Yes, you read that right, not the currently shipping iPhone 13, but the iPhone 14, which won’t even be launched for more than a month.

A few more rumors like this and we might as well just go without the space/time continuum altogether. I mean, what’s the point if effect no long follows cause?

Makes the Macalope so mad. After he spent all that time watching Star Trek so he could fully grasp the ins and outs of quantum mechanics.

If you recall (or even if you don’t), these “cuts” were supposedly caused not by a lack of demand but because of supply problems. Apple was “cutting” orders, you see, because suppliers could not make the phones fast enough due to… what? Lazy millennials, probably? They get blamed for everything so let’s just say it was that.

And because suppliers could not make phones fast enough, Apple was just giving up. “We’d rather not sell them than have to have you wait for them!” the company was heard to say. Even though it happily made this horny observer wait weeks to get an iPhone 4 back in the day. Back when people still said things like “back in the day.”

No, this rumor did not make any sense.

Anyway, forget all that “cutting” nonsense! Because…

“Apple Reportedly Increases iPhone 14 Shipment Expectation to 95 Million Units”

Can you sue Apple rumors for whiplash? Asking for a mythical beast.

Apple has informed suppliers that it’s now expecting the iPhone 14 lineup to sell better than it originally thought, increasing the number of devices it will produce and ship to 95 million rather than 90 million, according to the Taiwan Economic Times.

This rumor doesn’t seem to take into account the previous rumor, as the July rumor said Apple was “cutting” production from 90 million units to 82 million. Now Apple believes it will sell 95 million.

Jeez, get your story straight, Apple! Good grief, who’s running the show over there?!

Apple is, of course, not responsible for these numbers. The Macalope did not reach out to Apple for a reaction to this rumor and will not be updating this post when and if he hears back because he would not even if he had.

As Apple will not be shipping an iPhone 14 mini, the one person who won’t be buying a new phone this year is the Macalope. Instead, he will quietly upgrade to an iPhone 13 mini which he will hold onto for the rest of his life.

Or not. The Macalope is still hopeful Apple will ship a small phone of some kind once again in the future in order to pick up any be-horned holdouts. And on that day the Taiwan Economic Times can report Apple is increasing shipments by 0.0000011111 percent.